Dear well wishers and the general public,
I have something to say.
Heed my words without delay.
I’ve had enough of this.
I was born with a big red head and pointy horns which was tough growing up.
Regularly scorned, mocked and abused you could find me in the gutter thinking, ‘This is ludicrous I didn’t choose this. Why do I have to sit here and get a taste while others get bruised fists pounding my face?’
For I am a pacifist demon and mean no harm, there’s no need to run or raise the alarm.
From a young age I knew something was amiss.
For the life of me I couldn’t buy a kiss (God knows I tried).
And crossing my path cats would spit and hiss, it really was the pits.
On occasion I thought about slitting my wrists but I’m immortal.
As a young runaway I often wound up in borstal, a place for delinquents.
But how do you deal with a kid that can bring humanity to the brink of extinction?
Regularly I’d be laughed at with derision because I’d made it my mission to envision a world where demons were welcomed into society.
Why should angels get all the praise all the time, where’s the variety?
Yet my horns branded me an outcast, and if we’re talking reputation let’s just say the gap between angels and demons is vast.
But that’s all going to change.
I have dangerous plans to rearrange the fabric of reality, I’m going to make those angels so mad at me, you’ll see.
It’s the least they deserve.
For centuries they’ve had the nerve to pretend they serve God when really we’ve been downright robbed ‘cos they do a poor job.
You might think I’m being mean and that my plans are extreme, but I must make a stand. I can’t be the only demon in this fair land that needs a helping hand?
And so I’m rounding up the boys… I’ll start with Azazel and Cain who make the most noise, they specialise in pain and know how to maim with impunity, they’ll leave those angels slain and strewn about the place for all of eternity.
Hah! I’d love to see the look on God’s face, what a schlub.
For good measure I’ll then sub on Beelzebub.
He’s getting on a bit but his black old heart is in the right place. He’ll show those angels, the disgrace that they are.
But in case you think I’m going to watch from afar I’m mucking in too.
I’m the midfield general, commanding the team to ensure we don’t lose.
For my name is Lucifer and if I wind up next to ya on the battlefield then you’re done for.
I tried to retire, honestly I did.
I told no lies, no fibs, I turned the other cheek and look where it got me.
Back to square one.
Honestly though, I’m kind of enjoying this bad streak, it’s fun.
Maybe I should keep it low key but to hell with it, I’m summoning Loki.
He’s the bee’s knees when it comes to mischief and mayhem… and striking fear into the hearts of flawed men.
But before I get carried away I must remember why I started this.
It was because something was amiss and being a pacifist was the pits.
Very soon I’ll write to you again, once I’ve had a chance to level the playing field for angels, demons and men.
Until then, keep your head down.
Things are going to get a little crazy round here.
This, I do solemnly vow.