Hello, I’m Brian and this is my dark story.
Not a confession or admission of guilt and this isn’t for the stark glory.
I just want you to understand.
Here I stand, just a man alone living like a King on my barren throne.
So here goes…
This time of year self-destruction is where it’s at.
Winter’s tough and that’s a fact.
From grey skies to jaded lives I eked out my existence, suffering a bad vibe trying hard not to implode before my demise.
And as each day passed I got closer to spying the sun.
Vitamin D. My body screamed for its basic need.
If that’s all I required then this battle would be won way before it begun.
But it goes deeper than that.
Winter means Christmas, which creeps up fast like an inexorable trap.
Every year I felt crushed under the weight of forced jollity.
A fake reveller, about as lost as you could get, divorced from reality.
Merry people hounding me, with no one strong to ground me, making me feel like a endangered manatee.
Cursed to question my sanity in this yuletide season of sickening vanity.
Forced to wade through an ocean of festive frolics.
At this point I felt jaded and tested, like a recovering alcoholic.
With a bitter taste choking my throat, like a broken baby with chronic colic.
Then one year I reached my limit.
If this is it, then the demons of hell had better bring it, cos I’m nothing but numb.
I needed to feel, pain perhaps.
Like I’m a bullet and should be shot from a gun just for fun.
Or I should get lost in the wilderness and just run and run.
Face off wolves in the snow like Liam Neeson.
Broken bottles framing my fists, it’s just me and these beasts now, son.
There’s a purity to that.
Yeah it’s certain death, but in fury there’s a peace if you find the knack.
Either that or embrace the rage and get totally jacked, like a meth head gorging on smack, whilst he’s on a break from baking crack and doing lines of gack and shots of Jack.
See it’s all or nothing, ups and downs.
With self-destructive people there’s really no middle ground.
In your head the demons dance round and round coaxing you on.
They say the lesser of two evils is best, but what if the greater is the only way to feel you’ve won?