Top 5 ‘crotch related’ movie scenes

Ok, I haven’t lost the plot… not entirely. But bear with me. There’s a good number of funny movie scenes related to the crotch area that I want to share. Mostly because I thought of a few and it got me thinking of others that rose up from the dim recesses of my warped psyche.

So, here they are. What would yours be? (Assuming you’re as weird as me and want to play along.)

‘What you been feeding this thing?’ Total Recall
Arnie’s character walks into a sleazy bar where we’re introduced to his love interest – a brunette – who grabs his crotch and says the line, to which our hero responds, ‘blondes’.

‘Simon wets himself’ True Lies
Arnie again, this time in this James Cameron action flick as a spy taunting Bill Paxton’s used car salesman; who breaks down under questioning and promptly wets himself.

‘We got a bleeder’ There’s Something About Mary
We start with Stiller’s uber geek stuck in the bathroom. Then various characters slowly join him and all attempt to help, until a policeman decides to roll his sleeves up.

‘Begbie gets a surprise’ Trainspotting
Robert Carlyle’s Begbie was one of the scariest characters in ’90s cinema. Here he gets a scare of his own in a fondling session that goes awry. Carlyle makes Begbie’s reaction priceless; in that he’s horrified, but at a loss as to what to do.

‘Dallas teaches The Kid’ Magic Mike
Well into his McConaissance, a Texan by the name of Matthew teaches a green around the edges Alex Pettyfer – aka The Kid – how to take his clothes off properly. Oh, and the thrust.

Magic Mike XXL: Strippers on a road trip

Bow… bow, wow, wow. When Genuwine’s Pony kicks in you know you’re watching Magic Mike. Sometimes certain songs coupled with certain scenes elevate an entire film and glue it firmly to our memories. Such was the case three years ago.

Directed by Steven Soderburgh at the time in almost a documentary style, Magic Mike was a funny old beast. It was less about stripping and more male bonding; how these guys actually live and are part of a tribe. Like The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke but with more nudity. (Actually, scratch that, they’ve both got naked guys aplenty.) It focused on character too; so if it were mere titillation we wouldn’t have this sequel now.

29-magic-mike-xxl-1.w529.h352.2x

This time round Soderburgh’s long time assistant director, Gregory Jacobs, steps up to direct. He’s a man who has worked extensively with Soderburgh in the past and knows the style and tone of the first movie. Whilst not quite matching the first he does a passable job with this sequel.

So… why would a straight guy go to see Magic Mike, surely it’s one for the ladies? Well, yes, there’s male nudity in abundance but I’d argue this is a film that, in a manner of speaking, has more to offer the male market. Bear (or bare, geddit?) with me here whilst I state my case. First, the plot.

Photo Credit: Claudette Barius
Photo Credit: Claudette Barius

Mike has left the life of stripping behind to pursue his passion of furniture design. He’s got his girl, it’s all rosy. However, three years later things don’t work out as he plans and he gets a call from the old gang as they pass through town on their way to a stripper convention (Yes, it’s a real thing. Tatum actually attended one in his former life before acting.)

With only a little – rather convenient – persuasion from Genuwine’s Pony on the radio in his workshop (in a scene which riffs on Flashdance) he bundles in with the fellas for a road trip and one last stripping hurrah. They meet various characters along the way, including Jada Pinkett Smith’s stripper Madam Rome (Mike’s mentor) and Andie Macdowell’s lonely housewife Nancy, which all add something.

magic-mike-xxl

That said, there’s things missing, specifically characters. Gone is Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) crooning ‘ladies of Tampa’ and stealing scenes. He leaves a rather large hole which the rest of the cast try to fill with varying degrees of success. Gone is Adam ‘The Kid’ (Alex Pettyfer), gone is Mike’s love interest Brooke (Cody Horn), replaced rather half-heartedly with quirky and nomadic Zoe (Amber Heard Depp); who does what she can but has very little to work with. However, former players do step up, particularly Joe Manganiello’s Big Dick Ritchie, who gets the funniest – and ballsiest – scene of the movie.

Stripping scenes aside, the movie itself, in its quieter moments, seems at pains to show these guys as more than strippers. They’ve got hopes and dreams like the rest of us and they’re just as vulnerable, if not more so. There’s one scene where two characters talk about how they’re modern-day healers for women. Weirdly, it’s quite touching and all rather spiritual.

rs_1024x759-150617142336-1024.Magic-Mike-XXL-Jada-Pinkett-Smith-Joe-Manganiello.ms.061715

In parts it does drag a little, but overall it’s a pretty solid follow-up and doesn’t retread too much old ground. It feels like a good way to end, too. If we see a Magic Mike 3 in a few years I can safely say it’ll tank at the box office as there’s really nowhere else to take these characters. I think the actors knew that as they looked like there were having so much fun here and really went for it.

So… It’s a good laugh, fits the tone of the first and is surprisingly sensitive in places where it touches on the male bonding aspect and sense of belonging. But let’s leave it there eh? Mike’s stripping days are done. Time he hung up that thong for good.

Renaissance of Matthew McConaughey

mcconaughey

Cast your minds back. The year is 1993 and a 24-year-old Matthew is breaking out as an actor in coming-of-age film Dazed and Confused. Stealing most scenes with brilliantly quotable lines and an iconic character in Wooderson.

He followed this three years later with a heartfelt and commanding performance as lawyer Jake Brigance in A Time to Kill – holding his own amongst a solid cast including Kevin Spacey, Samuel L Jackson and Donald Sutherland. The dramatic courtroom scene near the end gets me every time.

Wilderness years
He then floundered. From the early 2000s it seemed he just didn’t know what kind of actor to become, flitting back and forth between roles and genres until he found his calling. Sadly this turned out to be rom-coms, the ‘shirt off clause in my contract’ years.

Whilst a lot of the films he did between 2001 (The Wedding Planner) and 2008 (Fool’s Gold) made money – you got the sense he was dying a little inside each time he picked up the script for yet another tedious and insipid rom-com.

That’s what I love about McConaughey. He gets older, his talent stays the same
Ok, para-phrasing that quote doesn’t exactly work, but you get the idea. If you don’t, allow me to explain. McConaughey has always had talent, that was clear from his early days.

mcconaugheyAfter A Time to Kill I counted myself as a fan, looking forward to his future roles.  As you can imagine, I’ve had to steer clear for the best part of ten years until he began to move in a new direction.

The comeback kid
For me, Tropic Thunder in 2008 kick-started his revival. Perhaps he’d had enough of strutting around in romantic roles that offered little challenge.

Perhaps he realised he needed to go back to basics, reminding himself of the character that launched his career, the slightly sleazy Wooderson in Dazed and Confused. This was where the fun was to be had.

Which brings me on to Killer Joe. If you want to well and truly break away from rom-coms this is the way to do it. Cop by day, hired killer by night, McConaughey’s Joe is a truly mesmerising character for all the wrong reasons.

The same way you cannot avert your eyes from something horrific, such as a car crash, Joe as a character is sublimely sleazy, twisted and malevolently sadistic, yet can switch moods at the drop of a hat.  The climactic scene in this film that builds to – ahem, fried chicken – is perhaps the most uncomfortable thing I have seen in a long time. Key to this is McConaughey’s performance, utterly compelling. Puts me in mind of Dennis Hopper’s character in Blue Velvet, getting off on amyl nitrite. Once you’ve seen both films you’ll know what I mean.

mcconaugheyBringing sexy back
Then, in 2012, came Magic Mike. A fantastic supporting turn by McConaughey. Ok, it’s a film about male strippers so his shirt (and most other clothing) is off a lot of the time, but this is no rom-com.

He’s poking fun at himself in a self-deprecating manner, mindful of what he’s done thus far in his career to get to this point. Either way, it’s a great change of direction and key to his future appeal as an actor. Coincidentally, in both films I’ve mentioned he sports a cowboy hat.

Maybe he’s just returning to his Texan roots? Cue angry Texans messaging me now. Whatever the case may be, Hollywood is finally getting the message. Give this man some meaty roles that poke fun at his image and mix things up.

All hail the renaissance of Matthew McConaughey!