Toxic man

Lately, things that annoy me include: beer and lads and birds and banter.
Because whenever they’re linked to toxic man.
They just lead me to certain anger.
Like Professor Banner getting cursed by gamma.
Cos toxic man is a backstabber.
Who just grins as he turns his dagger.
And I’m fast learning I can’t hurt this gangster.
He’s untouchable, a myth.
This is me versus Santa.
So when I face this street fighter, it might be electric.
But all I’m doing is getting burnt by Blanka til I turn and scamper.
Shell-shocked, like Thor.
Knowing maybe I didn’t earn the hammer.
Cos how do I call out guys I know, when their ‘friendly’ comments are so passive aggressive?
Alpha male 101.
Classic defensive and lacking perspective.
Cos when it comes to bonding with other men, these lads are in the dark ages.
Real feelings hidden, raiding each other’s houses like masked bailiffs.
Treating their peers so poorly that they surpass shameless.
Never facing the darkest parts of themselves.
At best, they grasp basics.
And endlessly toy with people’s emotions.
Then swan off like they’ve passed blameless.
Taking their lead from the piss-take patriarchy.
People like Trump, the psychopathic statesman.
Or narcissistic assholes like Patrick Bateman.
Those that think that one good deed is a massive statement.
But, hold up.
I’m wailing on these guys like I’m better than them.
Which has me under the weather again.
As this vendetta brings its own pressure.
And really, I’d rather just settle for zen.
But I’m bull-headed.
My mind at war like a minotaur.
Cos now, it seems, I’ve gotta wrestle a friend.
With fire and brimstone, til my rebel ascends.
To then face off with the devil again.
Til one of us meets with a terrible end.
Cos how can I call myself feminist, if I’m only slightly better than the guys I accuse?
If feminism needs allies, do I have a right to refuse?
Can I live with myself if I find an excuse?
Maybe I should be less try-hard and more die-hard.
And just say yippee ki yay before lighting a fuse.
I mean, at that point, what would I lose?
It’s hardly like these toxic guys were good friends in the first place.
Those that remember my birthday.
Not that that’s enough.
Cos I need connection on a deeper level.
Vulnerability with another man because we need this peril.
Til we grow and know how we can be this special.
Cos we’re cracking open new emotions.
Which, whilst thrilling, mean our knees now tremble.
Cos it’s tough stuff.
But doesn’t leave us with a weakened temple.
Nah, this is training day and I lead the way.
This is me and Denzel.
So let’s keep it central.
Cos modern masculinity doesn’t need to be this stressful.
I mean, I could sketch out how we fix man, I just need a pencil.
And I get I’m rambling, and that this whole scheme is mental.
And maybe the impression I gave, was that I seemed all gentle.
But in actual fact, I’m ready to crack toxic heads til I get lost instead.
Cos certain men are a cancer.
And it’s high time that we stopped this spread.

Marriage advice from a geezer

Domestic life with the trouble and strife, the old ball and chain, her indoors, the wife.
We work well together, we’re a unit. Sometimes she makes me mad but I rarely lose it. ‘Cos when I do I’m clueless.
Being on the wrong side of the argument, I’m used to this.
My actions often sending her into looney fits.
She purses her lips and fixes me with a thousand yard stare, the rollers in her hair look set to blow, looking like scud missiles but they’re yet to go, they’re part of her armour and they’re meant to show that she’s in charge.
Things are coming to a head and a confrontation is looming large.
But as she stands there in her tatty bra, it’s clear that she’s my movie star and can do no wrong.
Although sometimes she gives me the silent treatment, which always feels like it lasts too long.
But before I know it, her dark mood has come and gone and she’s back where she belongs, back by my side.
Whatever caused our divide is now ancient history.
She puts on a front when she cuts me off but it’s clear that she misses me.
For when I’m in the doghouse I can’t get no sleep.

To make amends I’ll do whatever it takes. Whoever said I couldn’t learn from my mistakes?

But such is the life of a geezer. I like to live life on the edge with my wife, I like to tease her. I like to go to extremes but the bottom line is… I need her.
She’s my rock and without her I’m lost. I’ve got to change whatever the cost. At the end of the day I know she’s the boss.
So I’ll sign out by saying, when it comes to domestic life, whatever you do, for the love of God, take care of your wife.