Ok, I haven’t lost the plot… not entirely. But bear with me. There’s a good number of funny movie scenes related to the crotch area that I want to share. Mostly because I thought of a few and it got me thinking of others that rose up from the dim recesses of my warped psyche.
So, here they are. What would yours be? (Assuming you’re as weird as me and want to play along.)
‘What you been feeding this thing?’ Total Recall
Arnie’s character walks into a sleazy bar where we’re introduced to his love interest – a brunette – who grabs his crotch and says the line, to which our hero responds, ‘blondes’.
‘Simon wets himself’ True Lies
Arnie again, this time in this James Cameron action flick as a spy taunting Bill Paxton’s used car salesman; who breaks down under questioning and promptly wets himself.
‘We got a bleeder’ There’s Something About Mary
We start with Stiller’s uber geek stuck in the bathroom. Then various characters slowly join him and all attempt to help, until a policeman decides to roll his sleeves up.
‘Begbie gets a surprise’ Trainspotting
Robert Carlyle’s Begbie was one of the scariest characters in ’90s cinema. Here he gets a scare of his own in a fondling session that goes awry. Carlyle makes Begbie’s reaction priceless; in that he’s horrified, but at a loss as to what to do.
‘Dallas teaches The Kid’ Magic Mike
Well into his McConaissance, a Texan by the name of Matthew teaches a green around the edges Alex Pettyfer – aka The Kid – how to take his clothes off properly. Oh, and the thrust.
That creeping sense of dread. Tick, tock, goes the clock. Your time is up. Is someone approaching? Did I leave the oven on? And what about those damn test results?
We’ve all got paranoid at one time or another. Difference is we’re often alone with our thoughts, or boring friends and family with our self-destructive ramblings. Whereas on film we’re witness to a character’s descent into madness, every step of the way.
Which of these mad, raving loonies are you most like in your darkest moments?
Teddy DanielsShutter Island
This film gets better with every viewing. As Scorsese turns the screws and builds the tension on this claustrophobic island amidst a storm, we watch Leo’s mind unravel.
Howard HughesThe Aviator
DiCaprio again, this time as recluse nutcase Howard Hughes. Afraid of germs and physical contact, this has to be up there as one of the most OCD characters of all time.
Jack TorranceThe Shining
Paranoia or just plain madness? Nicholson and Kubrick made quite the team for this one. It received mixed reviews on release but is now regarded as a horror classic.
Douglas QuaidTotal Recall
‘If I’m not me, then who the hell am I?’ Great line. As a director, Paul Verhoeven often gets a rough ride from critics, but he’s made some great films. This is probably my favourite.
Edward ‘Brill’ LyleEnemy of the State
A twitchy, nervous and angry Gene Hackman. What’s not to love? Convinced everyone’s out to get him and it’s Will Smith’s fault, he elevated this movie to something quite compelling.
Jeffrey GoinesTwelve Monkeys
Brad Pitt as we’d never seen him before. Unhinged and demented. Fairly unknown at the time yet his performance got him a Best Supporting Actor Academy nomination.