Top 5 ‘crotch related’ movie scenes

Ok, I haven’t lost the plot… not entirely. But bear with me. There’s a good number of funny movie scenes related to the crotch area that I want to share. Mostly because I thought of a few and it got me thinking of others that rose up from the dim recesses of my warped psyche.

So, here they are. What would yours be? (Assuming you’re as weird as me and want to play along.)

‘What you been feeding this thing?’ Total Recall
Arnie’s character walks into a sleazy bar where we’re introduced to his love interest – a brunette – who grabs his crotch and says the line, to which our hero responds, ‘blondes’.

‘Simon wets himself’ True Lies
Arnie again, this time in this James Cameron action flick as a spy taunting Bill Paxton’s used car salesman; who breaks down under questioning and promptly wets himself.

‘We got a bleeder’ There’s Something About Mary
We start with Stiller’s uber geek stuck in the bathroom. Then various characters slowly join him and all attempt to help, until a policeman decides to roll his sleeves up.

‘Begbie gets a surprise’ Trainspotting
Robert Carlyle’s Begbie was one of the scariest characters in ’90s cinema. Here he gets a scare of his own in a fondling session that goes awry. Carlyle makes Begbie’s reaction priceless; in that he’s horrified, but at a loss as to what to do.

‘Dallas teaches The Kid’ Magic Mike
Well into his McConaissance, a Texan by the name of Matthew teaches a green around the edges Alex Pettyfer – aka The Kid – how to take his clothes off properly. Oh, and the thrust.

Top 10 performances of Bill Paxton

About a year or so ago I saw Bill Paxton in Nightcrawler, a rather excellent film starring Jake Gyllenhaal. It got me thinking that Paxton is a funny actor, in that he’s been around a long time (since the start of the ’80s), turns up fairly frequently, often delivering performances which elevate a scene or the entire thing – yet he’s not really got the plaudits he perhaps deserves.

And he’s 60 now (if you can believe it) which, given his body of work, means he’s approaching legend status in my book. Add to that his distinctive Texan drawl that’s perhaps only matched by Matthew McConaughey and you’ve got someone that should really be given more roles. C’mon Hollywood, you can do it.

And on that note, it makes picking ten of his best a tall order (his filmography turns up some gems, ‘Punk Leader’ in The Terminator anyone?) but here are my choices, in random order:

Private Hudson, Aliens (1986)
Morgan Earp, Tombstone (1993)
Simon, True Lies (1994)
John Garrett, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (2014)
Bill Harding, Twister (1996)
Master Sergeant Farell, Edge of Tomorrow (2014)
Joe Loder, Nightcrawler (2014)
Fred Haise, Apollo 13 (1995)
Jerry Lambert, Predator 2 (1990)
Chet Donnelly, Weird Science (1985)

From his slimy and sleazy used car salesman seducing Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies to his gung-ho soldier immortalising lines like ‘Game over, man!’ and making them gold, Paxton has had a varied and compelling career. And in recent years he’s kept his output high, popping up as the bad guy in season 2 of Marvel’s blossoming Avengers spin-off, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and the good guy opposite Gyllenhaal’s sociopathic baddie in Nightcrawler. That’s range.

So hurrah for Mr Paxton. Keep on acting, you’re a legend and we love you.

Game over? Never!

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Baby did a bad, bad thing

As we head into the, ahem, steamy British summer I found myself having mini flashbacks to sexy dance moments in film (just the way my mind works). Scenes that were charged to the nines and loaded with… possibility. Here are a few of my favourites.
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Amber HeardThe Rum Diary
To be honest you could take any of her scenes from this film, however her dance in a blues bar was downright dangerous. A modern Hollywood siren, if ever there was one.


Nicole Kidman
Eyes Wide Shut
Right before Tom Cruise gets involved it’s just her swaying in front of a mirror, like a seductive serpent ready to strike. Perfectly scored to ‘Baby did a bad, bad thing’ by Chris Isaak.


Jamie Lee Curtis
True Lies
Demure housewife gets lured into a spy racket in one almighty mix up. Cue Arnie with a tape recorder duping Curtis into doing one of the sexiest on-screen dances on film in recent years.


Salma Hayek
Desperados
Not long into her Hollywood career Hayek got a break on Rodriguez’s monster flick, as a vampire queen giving Tarantino one hell of a sexy snake dance before eating him alive.


Eva Green
The Dreamers
In her debut film appearance she gets lost in the moment in an unforgettable dance scene, one which leads to Michael Pitt’s character momentarily passing out.
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